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What Look Was Madonna Going For at the Met Gala?

7 May

Last night was the Met Gala, which is both the Oscars of Fashion and the fanciest theme party of the year (the gala celebrates the opening of the Met Museum’s big yearly fashion exhibit). This year the theme was ‘Punk’, and some really interesting things happened. There were some people who simply ignored this and went for old-school glamour:

Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy. I want this dress SO HARD.

some that went halfway and took a lovely gown and then added just a touch of punk in the form of insane eye makeup or extreme hair:

I think the look on Julianne Moore’s face really captures that moment when you’re on the red carpet and then remember that your hair looks like it should have a little tiny surfer right on the top of it.

Remember the first time you ever put eye makeup on but didn’t really understand how it worked so just filled in everything up to the eyebrows? So does Ginnifer Goodwin.

And then there was Madonna.

I have to give it to her, because she was really the only one who captured the “fuck it all” attitude of Punk (isn’t it a little ironic that this whole party was the fashion establishment doing a look that was entirely based on being anti-establishment?). But at the same time, I do wonder exactly what look she was going for. So I’ve come up with some options:


1. Anjelica Huston’s character on SMASH, Eileen Rand, if ‘Bombshell’ fails and she has to become a dominatrix.

2. Comedian Emo Philips starring as Sally Bowles in a concept production of ‘Cabaret’ in a regional theater somewhere.

3. Prince Valiant as a ‘business formal’ Frank-N-Furter.


My Lingering Thoughts on the Oscars

26 Feb

So, the Oscars happened last night. And I have thoughts! So let’s just dive in, shall we?

-First of all, did anyone else feel like they didn’t have a horse in this race at all? I saw a bunch of the nominated movies, more than I usually do, and my feeling on almost each and every category was ‘yeah, whichever is fine.’ Not because there weren’t great performances or great movies, but I just didn’t feel personally attached to any of them this year. Honestly, I think my favorite performance of the year was Hadley Fraser in Les Mis, because he managed to make the guy who sings “you at the barricades listen to this” into a character with a rich full inner life and history, and I didn’t think that was even possible.

-Renee Zellweger, what the hell?! I spend a good chunk of my life saying that we squinty-eyed folk actually do have functional eyeballs, and then you go and stumble around oddly and seemingly can’t read anything. Get it together, Zellweger!! We need you! The large-eyed Tarsier people are winning!!

-One of my favorite things about this Oscars was the fact that Quentin Tarantino’s date was a woman named Lianne Spiderbaby:

This is awesome for a number of reasons. First of all, because I adore that dress and always support messy sidebraiding. Secondly, because if you google image her a lot of photos of her with knives and blood come up, which leads me to believe that they are one of those ‘inevitable’ couples, like Bjork and Matthew Barney and Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter. I mean, who else would they date? “So, what are you into?” “Oh, graphic violence. Blood spatter. You know.” “Oh my god, me too!!” See what I mean? And lastly, and most obviously, because her name is Lianne SPIDERBABY. I would like to imagine that many generations ago in a little village somewhere, a town elder said “John who mills we shall call John Miller. And Robert the barrel-maker shall be Robert Cooper. But whatever shall we call Sven, who midwives the arachnids?”

-How amazingly charming were Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron dancing? Who knew?!?! And Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe?! I mean, come on now. I think they should host the Oscars next year as a saucy song-and-dance team, and Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum can just glide on in whenever there’s a transition or a joke that doesn’t go well.

-What is with these otherwise fashionable girls choosing wan ill-fitting pink prom-y dresses to actually win an Oscar in? Between Gwyneth Paltrow in this:

And Anne Hathaway in this:

It’s like there’s something about the promise of an Oscar that makes ladies think that they must find some pink satin stat, but not invite any boob support to the party. And then pair the look with a necklace that doesn’t suit the neckline (Anne Hathaway’s necklace drove me nuts. No necklace with that neckline – long simple earrings! Arm full of bracelets! Rookie mistake!!)
Come on, ladies. If you want to do a pink dress that says THAT’S RIGHT, BITCHES, I AM WINNING A FUCKING OSCAR TONIGHT, take a look at Fan Bingbing:

Fan Bingbing is one of my favorites always, because she is a woman who knows how to wear a dress. Probably very few on the red carpet knew who she was, but I bet when she passed, every single head turned. Take notes, ladies – that’s how you win the evening, whether or not you win the Oscar.

-I feel like Kristen Stewart on the red carpet is the equivalent of those toddlers you see responding to having to go somewhere they don’t want to go by throwing a tantrum and then becoming dead weight that their parents have to drag; they’ll go, but they’ll make it as hard as possible and let you know that they are miserable the whole time. I always think when I see Kristen Stewart that she probably HAS to go to some events, but I doubt she HAS to go to the Oscars. And if she does HAVE to, please remember that your profession is being an actor, K-Stew. You could at least act like having to put on a dress and comb your hair isn’t the most miserable boring thing that has ever happened to you.

-For real, is Nicole Kidman wearing the Batman logo over her navel?

I loved this dress on camera (it’s so shiny she looks like a seal just coming out of water in the red carpet photos), but I honestly can’t figure out that belt. Is she signalling her willingness to take over the franchise when Christian Bale leaves? Is she telling us with the very Klimt-ian gold swirls at the bottom (which match the design on the floor of the stage) that she wants to be a new villain called ‘The Kisser’? Inquiring minds want to know.

-Speaking of those swirls on the stage, those are EXACTLY the doodles I used to draw all over the stage in high school. I even drew them on a lampshade when I was in my DIY phase in college.

-I love that they did a tribute to musicals, then did three musicals. You know, only those three musicals that they’ve made movies of. Good thing they could think of those three, because there certainly aren’t any other possible choices to include. I mean, really, if they were going to pay tribute to something, they really should have picked an industry with a rich full selection of options, not puny musical theater. And there’s definitely no other musicals on film. That must have been hard for them.

-Hey, remember when the Tonys had Lin-Manuel Miranda and Tommy Kail write a rap about the show for Neil Patrick Harris to do at the end of the evening? Remember how funny and perfect and awesome that was? Then remember last night when Kristen Chenoweth came out, and dueted on what was Seth MacFarlane’s maybe fifth unfunny song of the evening? Yeah.

-How adorable was it when Hugh Jackman came to Jennifer Lawrence’s rescue when she tripped on the stairs? Can we just declare Hugh Jackman to be officially the best human being ever? I mean seriously, I feel like if an alien race ever attacks, we should present Hugh Jackman as proof of what humans can be, and then I’m sure the aliens would be like “oh, good point, you guys have potential. Okay guys, back to the home planet.”

-Also in the running for best person ever is George Clooney, who is the only person who has ever called to mind both a beautiful Roman statue and a sexy young Santa Claus at the same time.

-And speaking of impressive hair, how about all the long blond-haired guys winning? It must have been a party in Lothlorien last night, is all I’m sayin’.

-Okay, if I don’t end now, I’ll go on forever. So until I remember the big huge thing I forgot to say tomorrow, I’ll say au revoir until next year!

The Fashion Cabal

29 Aug

This silly little piece was inspired by a fashion blog I read, which declared that “leather shorts are ubiquitous for fall”. I started to wonder how these decisions actually get made, and well, this happened. I hope you enjoy!


(The basement at Neiman Marcus, in a dark room. NINA GARCIA and MICHAEL KORS sit together, while MARC JACOBS and CATHY HORYN sit nearby. KARL LAGERFELD, in black sunglasses, sits propped up against a side wall. ANDRE LEON TALLEY walks in, barely fitting through the door, and followed by yards and yards of fabric trailing from his man cape.)

CATHY HORYN: Finally. Can we get started now?

NINA GARCIA: Not yet. She’s not here yet.

MARC JACOBS: We have to begin. I have to run back to the office and decide whether unicorns or kittens will be my ironic/chic pattern for the year. These decisions do not make themselves.

ANDRE LEON TALLEY: Besides, darlings, she’s not going to be here until later anyway. She allowed us to begin without her.

MICHAEL KORS: Great! I thereby call to order the annual meeting of Les Chics Impitoyables. We have important business today, folks – fall is almost upon us, and so we must decide which item of truly ridiculous clothing we shall foist upon the public as ‘stylish’ for our own amusement. Karl, you did yeoman’s work last year with your high heeled platform clogs, which were both silly-looking and almost impossible for human beings to walk in, causing both hilarious teetering and actual injury. Well done.

(all clap, very blase.)

KARL LAGERFELD: I hate fat people.

MICHAEL KORS: And Marc, you should be commended for your fur handbags, both riotously expensive and unable to be put down or carried outside in rough weather, and therefore useless for their actual purpose of holding belongings. But at least your wallet stays warm!! BA HA HAHAHAHA!!!!!

(MICHAEL KORS brays. All watch, silently.)

MICHAEL KORS: …Right. Anyway, this is the year, kiddos, we have to go big. I want to see everybody in what we’re selling. I want to see knock-offs in Walmart in a week, guys. And when I do, I want to laugh and laugh and laugh. So who’s got ideas?

NINA GARCIA: What about jumpsuits –

ANDRE LEON TALLEY: -oh please, really?

NINA GARCIA: I’m not finished, Andre. Jumpsuits in a red and white stripe, like a circus tent.

MICHAEL KORS: Too specific. It might not catch on. We need general trend.

MARC JACOBS: Sombreros?

NINA GARCIA: That’s too general. And Seinfeld got there first.

MICHAEL KORS: What about aprons for men! Or Muumuus! Those are ridiculous!

(Silence. ANDRE LEON TALLEY throws him a look. He is wearing a colorful muumuu.)

MICHAEL KORS: …Never mind.

KARL LAGERFELD: I shall design a ruff for the neck of the ladies. It shall be starched like my grandmother’s tablecloth.


ANDRE LEON TALLEY: Karl, that’s genius. I cannot wait to see middle American tweens dressed like Queen Elizabeth!!

KARL LAGERFELD: Middle American tweens will not wear my beautiful ruff. They shall not despoil my beautiful creation with their greasy donut hands. Only those delicate as butterfly wings and the bones of birds may wear my couture designs.


MICHAEL KORS: I think we’re off track. We need contrast. We don’t need a ridiculous item, we need a simple item we can make ridiculous. Okay, guys, what’s a simple item?

MARC JACOBS: Underwear.

MICHAEL KORS: That’s good, but we need outerwear.

MARC JACOBS: To me, underwear is outerwear.

MICHAEL KORS: Whatever. Something simpler.


MICHAEL KORS: SHORTS!! That’s brilliant. Beachy, summery, sweet. So what can we make them out of that will render their purpose utterly useless?


MICHAEL KORS: Too itchy, nobody will go for it.

ANDRE LEON TALLEY: A fabulous quilted organza!

MICHAEL KORS: Too fancy.

MARC JACOBS: Muppet fur!

MICHAEL KORS: Too quirky.

KARL LAGERFELD: The skin of Christian virgins!

MICHAEL KORS: … are you actually a human being anymore?

ANDRE LEON TALLEY: I’ve GOT it! Ladies and gentlemen, the trend will we support will be….  Leather shorts.

(All gasp.)

MICHAEL KORS: Yes… brilliant!

NINA GARCIA: Summer beach wear, in the hottest material out there, in fall.

MICHAEL KORS: The country will be filled with goth Gidgets!!

MARC JACOBS: Legs will freeze, groins will sweat.

ANDRE LEON TALLEY: And oh, how we will laugh.

MICHAEL KORS: Can you believe people go for this? They’ll buy something absurd just because we tell them!!!

(A voice comes from offstage, imposing and ice cold)

ANNA WINTOUR: Not because YOU tell them, Michael.

NINA GARCIA: It’s her!!!

(All throw themselves to the floor, prostrate with foreheads on the floor. KARL LAGERFELD more falls, because it’s possible his body is only being held together by his tight suit and collar. ANNA WINTOUR enters, hair perfectly in its round helmet, dark glasses on. She snaps her fingers. ANDRE LEON TALLEY crawls over. ANNA WINTOUR sits on his back.)

ANNA WINTOUR: So what have we decided?

MARC JACOBS: Leather shorts, great one.

            (There is silence while she considers this.)

ANNA WINTOUR: Leather shorts. Unflattering, uncomfortable. Think of the chafing alone. I love it.

            (There is an audible gasp of relief. ANNA WINTOUR stands, and everyone starts getting up, except for KARL LAGERFELD)

MICHAEL KORS: I’ll start a line immediately, in Americana taupe.

MARC JACOBS: Mine will have unicorns on them. Or kittens.

ANNA WINTOUR: Why not unicorn kittens, Marc?


NINA GARCIA: I’ll convince Heidi to base the next Project Runway challenge on the new coolest look of the fall.

ANDRE LEON TALLEY: What’s wrong with Karl?

(KARL LAGERFELD is still prostrate on the ground. MARC JACOBS nudges him with his foot. Nothing.)

MARC JACOBS: Looks like he died again. I’ll call his assistant and tell her he needs another full body transfusion of stem cells and Crème de la Mer.

            (He gets out his cell phone. It is covered with fur.)

ANNA WINTOUR: Andre, call over to Vogue and tell them to get Karlie Kloss and Natalia Vodianova ready – we’re having a photo shoot. I want leather shorts on every page.


ANNA WINTOUR: And Andre… tell them they can style them however they want, but all the models must have one other thing on…


ANNA WINTOUR (With an evil smile): Orange clown wigs.