Oh sure, everyone’s been watching the Prancercise video that’s been making the rounds of the internet. But let’s be honest, guys, there’s a lot that video leaves out about walking for fitness. Like for example, the question of how the different genders should dress in order to most effectively master that strange excercisal mid-range between striding and galumphing? Sally Struthers, luckily, made a video that I think answers that quite nicely:
If you’re a woman, just follow Sally’s lead and wear something just a scooch more conservative than a Victorian bathing costume, but made out of sweatsuit. But if you’re a man, well, that’s a whole other thing. I don’t have male genitalia myself, but I would imagine that it’s a tricky balance to find when you’re going to be doing an activity as hip-swinging as fitness walking. You must find a way to carefully cradle your man bits in enough fabric to protect them, with just enough tension to make sure that they are held as taut as peaches in a plastic grocery bag. However, you don’t want to clog up your moving legs with any extraneous fabric, and every good bridge maker knows that you must leave flexibility for movement or the entire structure might just snap. And, let’s be honest, if you’re doing an activity as manly as fitness walking, you want to make sure you get a little biological display in there. So, you should show off your rampant masculinity to the ladies by making sure they can see the full outline of your own Sally and the Struthers, if you get what I’m sayin’.
I think we can all agree that these dudes have fully mastered the wearing of the fitness walking shorts. With not a whisper more fabric than is absolutely necessary to swath their personal prancercisers, these shorts say both “I am the stallion who will mount the world” and “please focus on anything besides the walk that I am doing.”
But you needn’t have worried, guys. After all, there are plenty of dudes who have triumphed in much longer pants with much sillier walks:
P.S. a big thank you to Isaac for exposing me to this wonder.