Pilgrims are the Original Hipsters

19 Nov

Thanksgiving is only a few days away, and I’m not sure if it’s the storms having messed with Halloween, or the fact that the weather has been so jumbled together that there seem to be no differentiated seasons anymore but rather one giant ‘wintumnerpring’, but it feels fast this year. Right?

I was listening to a podcast in which the hosts said that Thanksgiving just isn’t that cool a holiday. You have the pilgrims, stuck forever in their Currier-and-Ives-print mustiness, and usually the same roster of foods. Compared to Halloween, which has costumes and darkness and candy, and Christmas, which has presents and such an orgy of build-up the actual event can’t help but be super exciting, Thanksgiving is a little staid, and a little stuck. And I get that, I do.

But the more I thought about it, the more I thought that wasn’t totally fair. I mean, first of all, stuffing. That’s just one of the best things humans have ever created. And second of all, the pilgrims are cool! Even if you put aside the facts that A. they risked death and a huge ocean voyage to move to a harsh new country FOR FREEDOM and all, and B. their pasty small-eyed genes eventually created me, which are both the MOST cool things, to focus on other elements, the pilgrims still got it. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the pilgrims are really America’s original hipsters. Here’s why:

1. The pilgrims were into America before it became all mainstream.

2. They named their children things like ‘Seaborn’, ‘Oceanus’, ‘Verity’ and ‘Cotton’.

3. They were total locavores. Everything they ate was organic, locally-sourced, and made in artisanal small batches in ovens they built themselves. Very GOOP.

4. Dude, buckles.

5. They moved into an unpopular area, took it over, and then made it difficult for the original inhabitants to be there.

See what I mean? I mean, really, I feel like the only thing that prevented them from having thick black-framed glasses and ironic tattoos was the fact that those things hadn’t been invented yet.

So this year, when you sit down for your turkey and stuffing, remember the pilgrims fondly. And if you want to add some cans of PBR to your feast, it would be totally in keeping.

America’s early settlers, probably looking for the L train.

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One Response to “Pilgrims are the Original Hipsters”

  1. Kailey May 9, 2017 at 2:42 pm #

    I am not trying to … I am not trying to be confrontational, but how were you vicitmized? I am glad you were able to get your situation reodvles… Was this answer helpful?

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