Perhaps you heard that there was this little wedding across the pond this morning? No? Don’t worry, it wasn’t anything big, and the media almost completely ignored it.
I’m kidding, of course. The Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton was this morning, and it was the culmination of so much fevered anticipation that I’m surprised you didn’t see onlooker’s heads literally exploding with joy when Kate Middleton got out of her carriage. And I have to say, it was all very lovely; there were the gorgeous crazy hats that the UK loves but America never wears (note to America: WEAR MORE HATS. I mean, come ON!! They’re so fun! And you’re hearing this from a girl so pale and square-jawed that I risk looking like a sugar cube with a neck if I wear something too flat-brimmed), there was the Queen in sunny yellow, there was the very sweet couple, there was pomp, there was circumstance.
And there was the dress.
The dress was arguably the most exciting part of a very exciting event – people were speculating for weeks about who was designing it, what it would look like, whether it would be simple or puffy or lacy or beaded. Knockoff designers were creating knockoffs based on what they guessed the dress MIGHT look like. And now, finally we know. Kate Middleton wore a gorgeous full-skirted dress with a white lace top and long sleeves, designed by Sarah Burton, who took over at Alexander McQueen. It was elegant and simple – more Princess Grace than Princess Diana – and will probably look equally lovely on the 937,948 brides who will wear the versions that are currently being feverishly designed in the bowels of David’s Bridal.
In short, the dress was a great success. But I can’t help but be slightly disappointed. I mean, elegance and suimplicity is all well and good, and how often are you really able to wear a wedding dress that A. the world will see, B. you must wear as ACTUAL DIAMOND CROWN SYMBOLIZING ROYALTY with, and C. you will wear to walk down the very long aisle of a very large-scale cathedral. I mean, if the bride is the star of her wedding, and this is the most ginormous wedding we’ll see in YEARS (and the only one broadcast live around the world), you’ve got some spectacle going on there. So although I give the stamp of approval to Kate Middleton’s dress and simple walk down the aisle, I would like to present other, more theatrical options, that I hope were considered.
1. The Pageantry Choice:
Kate Middleton enters Westminster Abbey riding the back of a large white Lion (for the UK), with an articulated back, each piece carried by a seperate person, like a Chinese dragon. She dismounts the lion at the altar, and the back of the lion proves to be an enormous train.
2. The Pangea Option:
Kate Middleton wears a dress with a giganticaly oversized hoop skirt, and when she gets to the altar the skirt opens to reveal children representing different nations, who then serenade the couple with a stirring rendition of ‘We Are The World’.
3. The Ironic Contrast:
Kate Middleton ignores all the media hype, and goes to Harrod’s two days before the wedding to buy something off the rack.
4. The Practical Transport Theme:
Kate Middleton steps out of her car, walks to the end of the aisle, where there awaits a gilded Segway Scooter, which she rides down the rest of the the long long aisle.
5. The Musical Theater Finale:
Prince William, to test the loyalty of Kate Middleton, has secretly pretended to be a dashing pirate named Billy Winds and attempted to seduce her. Although Kate remains loyal to William, she finds herself falling for the roguish Billy, and admits at the altar that she cannot marry William while her heart also belongs to Billy. William reveals that, with the aid of his scamp sidekick Harry, he has been Billy all along. Kate is delighted to learn that her fiance has a secret adventurous side, and the wedding is about to proceed when Harry stops it. He admits that when he was pretending to be Billy Winds’ sidekick Cabin Boy, he fell for the saucy Pippa, and proposes to her on the spot. She accepts, and the ingenue couple of Kate and William are joined by the lusty comedy couple Harry and Pippa in a double wedding, sealed by a joyous dance number. Contrary to many contemporary musicals which feature delightfully salty old ladies, the Queen does not rap.