So, perhaps you noticed that ‘The Book of Mormon’ opened last week. No? Understandable, it’s this little show about religion by some guys who make cartoons. You might as well get some tickets now, I guess.
Just joshing, of course. ‘The Book of Mormon’, the new musical by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the guys who created ‘South Park’, opened to the most rapturous reviews I’ve seen in a long time (and having seen the show, I can say that they deserve every one – it is brilliant, hilarious, and has a lot of heart), and you are more likely to find a set of golden plates sent by God in your backyard than you are to snag a pair of decent tickets these days.
So what can you do until that glorious day in late 2013 when tickets are next available? What could fill that gaping Mormon-size hole? How about a little something like this:
Yes, the kind people at Real Heroes Posters have made a line of ‘Real Mormon Heroes’, all straight out of the actual Book of Mormon, and every godly image of a strapping, sweaty, muscle-bound man with a short skirt on holding a long glistening sword is sure to inspire any lucky young mormon boy with a poster hung over his bed to certainly… find a loving female wife and settle down with her in a holy heterosexual marriage. After all, look at this masculine inspiration. You have:
Abinadi the Prophet, who was held in bondage in a room that is flaming, or:
Samuel the Lamanite, of the bulging thighs, who was open wide to oncoming shafts, or:
The Brother Of Jared, wearer of legwarmers, short of skirt and strong of wrist, whose given name in the Book of Mormon is ‘Mahonri Moriancumer’ (I looked it up. And no, I did not alter the spelling to include ‘cumer’).
But maybe that’s not fair. After all, the ‘Real Mormon Heroes’ line does include one image of ladies:
Fierce swaddled ‘Daughters of the Wilderness’ who know how to work a grasswalk and smize just like Tyra taught. Extra points for accessorizing with the ultimate Mormon accessory: babies.
But hey, not everyone’s religious. Thankfully, this company also makes secular American heroes, luckily with the same wholesome, manly, totally heterosexual flare. Like George Washington:
Who apparently should have been famous for the size of his… gun.