The Oscars were last night, and, well… that happened. I’ll leave it to myriad other sources to talk about all that we did get to see on the weird sparkly domino stage, but I would like to focus on the moments of last night’s Oscars that we didn’t get to see, but I am sure happened.
1. The writers, producers, and director 12 hours before the show going “oh CRAP, the Oscars are TONIGHT?!?! We thought it was next week! Shit!! Sorry guys, we’ll throw some stuff together, but you might just have to improvise.”
2. Sharon Stone sacrificing a chicken to her Gods of Giant Hair in the limo, then attaching the carcass to her shoulder.
3. Somebody waking James Franco up after the show to tell him, awkwardly, that he had been sleepwalking again, for the past four hours.
4. Melissa Leo beating Kirk Douglas to death with his own cane offstage for hogging her spotlight.
5. Reese Witherspoon handing her stylist a 1960s Glamor Barbie and saying “I want EXACTLY this, but bigger.”
6. The writer who said “Hmmm… how can we best use Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin to pay tribute to the classic film Casablanca? I’ve got it! Let’s have them dress like gay cocktail waiters!!”
7. Hugh Jackman, in the audience, thinking “Hey, don’t bring me into this. I actually sang and danced in an entertaining way.”
8. Bob Hope, in the afterlife, thinking “Hey, don’t bring me into this. I actually hosted in an entertaining way.”
9. Jennifer Lawrence handing her stylist a picture of Scarlet Johansson in 1996, and saying “I want EXACTLY this, but I will make my look different by the cunning use of a clutch purse.”
10. Tom Hooper, after the show, taking off his facial prosthetics to reveal that he is actually James Cameron, and that he fooled everyone AGAIN in his quest for eternal Oscars domination. Mwah HA!!’
11. Somewhere in a secret bunker, Banksy twisting his hands and laughing maniacally at his ultimate triumph, the truly crazypants 2011 Oscars.