Dear God, Allah, Zeus, or other governing body who may or may not be responsible for the outcome of the cosmos –
Thank you for seating me at the theater tonight directly behind Anna Wintour and her date Isaac Mizrahi. As an avid reader of Vogue and a wearer of sassy colorful retro-styled pieces, I am a fan of both, and relished the opportunity to see them close up. I was satisfied to see that Anna Wintour does indeed look like she is made out of bird bones and silk scraps, and that her hair is so impeccably crafted that it made me think of the Great Gatsby getting a trim every day. I suspect that she will never die, but grow slighter and smaller until one day all that people can find is a purple fur collar and a pair of oversize sunglasses, and the vague sent of over-ironed silk in the air. I was pleased, too, that next to her Isaac Mizrahi looks like a gentle giant, all hair oil and practical black cotton.
However, forces that govern the universe, though I would never question your wisdom, did you have to provide this bounty on a day when I never quite made it out of my ‘throw it on to go to the grocery’ outfit of wrinkly sweater and jeans and dirty hobo coat (it was raining!), and decided to experiment with a brown eyeliner that despite being only on my eyes managed to make the rest of my face look dead? Also, was it necessary to seat me next to the woman with no volume control, such that when I wrote on my playbill insert the identities of the people in front of us in order to silently alert my father, she must read over my shoulder and go, loudly, ‘so that IS them!! My friend said it wasn’t Isaac Mizrahi, but I thought it was!!’ in a volume that would have been impossible for anyone in the theater to miss, let alone the specified people?
And finally, if you could just let the glamorous people know that no matter how fancypants you are with your attempt to dominate the world with plaid and the visage of Karlie Kloss, it is NEVER okay to sit through an entire play and then scoot out in the blackout before the curtain call. Those people just gave you a performance, you stay and clap for them, bitches! Also, if you could tell Anna Wintour that if she wants to escape unnoticed, then perhaps a SHINY SUIT is not the most subtle option – a disco ball rolled up the aisle would attract less attention.
Thank you for listening,