The wheel. The printing press. Shout wipes. Sometimes in human history an invention comes along that so perfectly addresses the needs of humanity that you can almost hear the click of progress moving forward. And now, thanks to American Apparel, I think I just heard another click.
I have been wearing tights for most of my life. From those adorable striped Hannah Andersen ones whose colors were the inverse of my dress when I was five, to the itchy ones I had to wear to nice occasions when I was ten, to the colorful ‘I am expressing my individuality by dressing like a Medievel court jester’ mid-90s atrocities I thought were cool in high school (note to previous self: not actually cool), there hasn’t been a time in my life where I didn’t have a pair or two lurking in a drawer or making me try to remember for the billionth time whether they can go in the wash. But despite their remarkable ease of use, their ability to magically cling to your legs, to provide shape and support, to add modesty or change the tone of an outfit, there has always, always been one consistent flaw with hose. For no matter what the pair, whether opaque or sheer or control-top, I always find myself thinking “gee, these are comfortable and all, but my butt feels so constricted!”
Yes, the problem of the caged posterior. How can we in good conscious wear these garments which so cruelly pent in a body part born to fly free, to feel the fresh air and the sun on its skin? Is it really fair that we keep our junk locked away inside our trunks? Why call them buns if everyone knows that baked goods become stale and lose their taste if they’re put in containers!! Ladies, we have been oppressed too long by the conventional tights, which so cruelly and uncomfortably consider our butts to be in the same category as legs. No more the awkward consistent coverage, no more treating it like just what we sit on – the butt deserves to be in its very own spotlight.
And thankfully, American Apparel has heard our call. Yes, for $28, you can live the dream of so many, for so long, and wear assless tights:
Humanity thanks you, Dov Charney, for this entirely necessary and not entirely mystifying new product.
However, despite the sense that my life is now nearly complete, I am still missing the other holy grail of practical wardrobe solutions, the ‘only cut out around the boobs’ tee shirt. Can you get on that, Dov?