Gap, you anger me.
In your new ad campaign, you make a big fuss about how your new line of jeans has a fit for everybody. ‘Born to Fit,’ the ads proclaim, and dangnabbit if I wasn’t suckered in for a second. For, Gap, I have been a fan of your jeans before – your Long and Leans got me through college, your quality denim and frequent sales making those occasional excursions to the mall even more delightful. And since my beloved skinny jeans, purchased two years ago in Sydney, are slowly coming to their death, I looked at your ads and thought, now wouldn’t it be perfect if this were true, and I could come home to my high school mecca of denim.
Well, gap, it is not to be. For lo and behold, when I went to your website your numerous new styles, despite their many shapes and sizes, have one thing in common: THEY ARE ALL LOW-RISE. And I don’t mean quasi-low-rise; they all seem to have that little two-inch strip of zipper that I have learned means that I will be in the dressing room hoping that they provide with the jeans an oversize shoehorn with which I can attempt to force the remaining six inches of butt into their pants.
Gap, this makes me sad. For you have always attempted to appeal to a wide range of people, and now I fear you are leaving this behind. And when I say ‘leaving this behind’, I mean literally, your products are leaving this behind, the one I sit on to write right now, the behind that is too expansive to fit into your ‘fit everybody’ jeans. I am not an especially butt-heavy person, baby has relatively normal back (well, okay, it’s wider than I’d like), but I do have the world’s longest torso, and this means that anything low-rise is not an option for me. But it’s also not an option for a lot of people, or shouldn’t be, as a world of ‘muffin tops’ would attest. So why on earth would you, Gap, who wants the whole of America to buy your products, and who has even based your entire ad campaign on the idea of a variety of fits, not think that SOMEONE out there might want a jean that has a high or even mid rise, and isn’t a Mom jean or a bootcut? For god’s sake, even the ‘CURVY’ fit is a low rise!!! You know what curvy people have, in general? CURVES!!! You know what looks horrible when they are cut across the middle by a waistband that falls so ludicrously far from the waist that they might as well be called vulva bands instead? That’s right, Gap, curves!
Sorry, I got a little angry there for a second. But really, Gap. You should think about these things. Because the reality is that despite your attempt to lure in fashionistas to your brand with your low rises and ridiculously American Apparel-like ad campaign, fashionistas will never shop at you, because you are the Gap. And now, you risk losing the people who love you for your basics, for your color spectrums and comfy sweaters and, yes, for your denims. Because in ignoring the reality of the usual body type that graces your shoppers, you are letting us know that you care about us far less than those aloof and unattainable fashionistas. And I know you’ve seen this movie, Gap, the one where the appealingly nerdy guy goes after the bitchy homecoming queen and in so doing risks his true love, the appealingly nerdy girl who was by his side the whole time, loving him for who he is. You are the nerdy guy, Gap. The bitchy homecoming queen are the fashionistas you will never get. And we, the muffin-topped long-torsoed masses, are the ones who just want to love you. Let us love you, Gap. Give us higher rises. And stop pissing me off.