They say that every year comes with greater knowledge of who you are, and I think that’s probably true. In my case, I’m pretty sure that my secret inner soul can be summarized with this equation:

+

+

=

29-year-old me.

I am excited about Smash. They have hired some great people, and I deeply love my industry and would be thrilled if a series about all the drama inherent in making a musical was realistic and great. That being said, while I am crossing my fingers and holding my breath and all, I have a few slight apprehensions, including this:

via thetvaddict.com

Now, first of all, let’s discuss that bottom bit, shall we? ‘The Monday After Super Bowl XLVI’. That’s great, NBC. Way to target THE ONLY INDUSTRY IN THE WORLD THAT DOESN’T KNOW WHEN THAT IS. Seriously, I looked at that and thought, the Super Bowl, eh? What’s that, March-ish? I also appreciate that they added the roman numerals of which Super Bowl it is, as though that would be more helpful than a tagline saying ‘The Monday after the big game which is played in ‘The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’. (Although to be fair, the image above is old – the newer versions of this ad, as featured in Playbills this month, say the date (February 6th) and ‘After The Voice’, which is a much better cross pollination.)

And now, let’s address the top bit. Specifically, ‘and introducing Katharine McPhee’. To whom, exactly, NBC? Katharine McPhee has been kicking around the theater world for a while, so we already know her, thanks. She’s also been in wide-released films such as ‘The House Bunny’, so there’s that, and oh, what’s that other thing she was on? Oh, right, that little obscure show that nobody watches called AMERICAN IDOL. So, way to discover her, NBC. I’m eating a sandwich right now on a delicious thing called Rye Bread – I’m considering introducing that to the world too.

Phew, got a little snarky there, sorry. That’s just been irking me since the very first preview, all those many long months ago, and I had to get it off my chest. I apologize.

But speaking of getting things off different body parts, let’s move on to the main image of this poster, shall we?

Clearly, NBC is aiming to make Katharine McPhee a big star. And their tagline, ‘stars aren’t born, they’re made’ has that nifty double meaning, both within the plot of the show and in NBC’s PR campaign. However, if you look closely at that picture of McPhee, they might also have meant making a star literally, as in ‘out of spare body parts’. Look closely – her head is at an odd angle, like it’s just recently been attached to this neck and is still a little delicate, and she looks like she’s had some neck removed. The arm on our right, while stick-skinny (sadly, that might not be photoshop’s fault), looks okay, but the left is less an arm and more a freakish elbow-less flipper:

Nor do the rest of the grabby folks in the photo fare much better. This is an attractive cast, but this poster makes them all look grim and slightly ill, like they’re in the first stages of a horrible plague that causes them to become mindless zombies whose only goal is to reach for Kat McPhee’s boobs, their last conscious thought being that they need to fire their agents.

As for the pile-up, when I first saw this, I thought, oh, this is obvious. It was released around the holidays, so they were capitalizing on this weird Christmas tree shape, with their star at the top, natch. But the more I looked at it, the more that didn’t seem quite right. Because everyone looks so darn grim, and with the red and the black and the murky background, plus the reaching and the grasping severed hands at the bottom, it looks less ‘Broadway!’ and more Hieronymus Bosch.

Just for comparison, let’s take a look at this hellscape image, called ‘Souls Burning In Hell’, as taken from a website called christian-myspace-layouts.com (by the way, Christian-who-uses-an-image-of-souls-burning-in-hell-as-your-background-of-a-social-networking-site: THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS):

I mean, let’s be honest – throw Angelica Houston in there and a few pairs of tap shoes, and that could be the next promo poster for ‘Smash’.

So look, NBC. I’ve worked on Broadway shows before, and I know that it can be brutal at times. But you know what it’s never been? So brutal that a group of vaguely ill, similarly-dressed* people must pile on top of each other and some grasping severed arms to grab at a tragically flippered lady. And you know what else working on Broadway it can be? Really, awesomely fun. And I really hope that your show is about that too.

Although technically, I would probably also watch a show about zombies going after Katharine McPhee’s boobs, so I guess it’s really up to you.

*On a separate note, can we just declare a moratorium for a while on black and red being the official ‘Broadway’ colors? It makes me think that those ladies in the red tights who hawk Chicago around the TKTS booth were just members of some alien race who have officially colonized.

You hear what I’m saying? I’m saying that it’s one of those days it’s probably best to stay inside if possible. I’m saying, wouldn’t a cup of tea be so great right now? I’m saying, hey, have you tested out that nice soft blanket you got for Christmas? I’m saying, it’s book-reading weather.

And, just in case that’s not convincing enough, here’s a little video (via my Aunt Caroline, librarian extraordinaire and one of the best recommenders of books I know) that will make your literate heart sing and your feet fly to the nearest bookshelf, and, once a book is in hand, your butt fly to the nearest comfy reading spot.

Watch, delight, go read a book.

It hasn’t been announced yet who he will play, but there are plenty of options – a sullenly intellectual member of the crew? An evil elfin villain? A posh psychopathic member of an alien race? The mind boggles. But one thing’s for sure, I shall go where… many… women… have gone before? Okay, you know what, I suck at the Star Trek references (mostly because I have to google them all – I’ve only ever seen the movie (I’m only a blossoming nerd)). But you get the idea. I will go. I will buy a ticket. I will make excited, high-pitched noises. This is awesome.

MTV.com made this brilliant and hilarious image of Cumberbatch as Khan. They are also saying that he's definitely playing "the main villain," which probably makes sense.

MTV.com also made this image of a Cumberklingon, making me realize that I have to start looking at MTV.com more often.

One of those good things is the musical version of my beloved movie, Newsies. As I have discussed before on this here bloggedy blog, I have a special relationship with Newsies. As a young’un, I watched it enough that it’s possible part of my DNA has been rewritten with little tiny side hitch-kicks, and as an older’un, I still maintain a secret fondness for suspenders. Thus, it’s no surprise that when it was announced that they were finally going to do a stage version of the movie (FINALLY) out at Papermill, my friends and I piled into a train and went to get our Santa Fe on.

And now, Newsies is kickin’ its heels up and heading to the great white way. And I shall be there, with a cap on (well, not in my theater seat, obviously). But I’m warning you, Broadway production of Newsies, while I enjoyed your Papermill version quite a bit, there’s one glaring omission that I find it hard to forgive.

To put it simply, you missed a Spot.

You see, my favorite character in Newsies the movie was the tough Brooklyn Newsie Spot Conlon. Why? Because he was the awesomest.

As most of you reading this blog probably already know, in the movie version of Newsies, our hero Jack Kelly wants to send emissaries to the newsies of different boroughs, but is reluctant to find volunteers to go to Brooklyn because of Spot Conlon, who is scary. So Jack goes himself, out to the piers covered with older looking boys who are inexplicably swimming in white long johns (I know it’s probably historically accurate, but seriously, movie, having tough teenagers swim in white long johns is like having a mob boss appear wearing bunny slippers. Not. Scary.) Spot Conlon appears, and to our delight, far from being the biggest and toughest of all, he is tiny. However, he is certainly tough and has a delightful mouth shaped like an archer’s bow (what? It’s not pervy if I was tween at the time of the original crush, right?), and tells Jack that he won’t join until Jack proves he can fight back if things get rough. Jack goes back alone, but when a fight starts, Spot Conlon and his vicious slingshot and band of Brooklyn toughs save the day and join the fight.

To put it simply, Spot Conlon is an excellent character. So I was very much looking forward to seeing who they would cast when the show was first announced, only to see his name listed in amongst all the other newsies. How could this be? Spot Conlon and Specs are not equal, Newsies. My worry grew when I looked in the program and saw that Spot didn’t have a number in the first act. Well, okay, I thought, he does have one in the second, called ‘Brooklyn is Here’, so my fears were assuaged by thinking that maybe they saved Spot’s big moment for his save-the-day entrance.

Oh, readers, how wrong I was. Spot’s big scene in the first act was totally cut, and his number in the second was a lame refrain sung by a few Newsies walking in place on the set as though they were crossing the bridge, dressed in tight red outfits that made me wonder if maybe someone had misunderstood and thought that ‘Brooklyn’ was actually a leather bar in Jersey. And that was basically it for the character.

Now, I’m going to address you directly, Broadway production of Newsies. Because this is serious, and it’s not too late for you. Fix this. Bring back Spot Conlon.

You see, there are few things I know for sure in this world. But one of those things is that if Spot Conlon had a big number in the first act, it would stop the show (in a good way, not in a Miss Marmelstein ‘nothing else in this show can top that, so you might as well all go home’ way).

Here’s what you do, Newsies: simply put back in the scene in which Jack and David go out to Brooklyn. Keep, as it is in the movie, David’s convincing Spot, and Jack’s line about Davey being “a mouth with a brain,” because that will add back in a bit of coloring for David, a character who lost quite a bit of it in translation (I mean, I know Jack is the most important character, but one of the beauties of that movie is how fleshed-out a lot of the Newsies are, which really isn’t the case in the show). Then you have Spot say, basically, you’re in my town now, and here are my rules, and then, bam, you’re in the middle of a badass number in which Spot sings about Brooklyn and how this is his town (suggested song titles are either ‘Brooklyn’ or ‘It’s My Town’, for obvious reasons). It’s fierce, the amazing kid you get to take down the house makes everyone in the audience’s face melt with his talent and pure chutzpah (just cast Al Calderon. Seriously, just do that.), all the kids get another amazing number which Chris Gattelli will choreograph the crap out of, and everybody who lives in Brooklyn will come see the show and adopt the song as an anthem. And then, when Spot shows up in the second act, there will be great rejoicing. Oh, and for the love of god, cut those stupid red outfits – Spot in the movie carries a walking stick and a slingshot, because the movie understood that a true badass leader doesn’t wear a muscle tee, but rather has the kind of peculiar affectation that says “I must be truly scary, because I am a tiny newsie who carries a walking stick and yet everyone is scared of me.”

See, if you don’t believe me, watch this and tell me that line about having a brain, and not just half of one, isn’t a HUGE MUSICAL NUMBER CUE!!

I know, you’re probably thinking, eek, we have a lot of numbers, we don’t need another, but to that I say, pshaw. This is no mere number, this is a potential showstopper. And you can cut ‘Brooklyn is Here’ (I’d hate to waste that full five minutes of time it took Alan Menken to write that one, but you’ll want a brief reprise of ‘Brooklyn’ or ‘It’s My Town’, anyway), and, if you’re in a pinch, lose that ‘Mr. Cladwell’ number for Pulitzer. Done and done!

Just trust me on this one, Newsies. I’ll love you anyway, but do this, for yourself.

P.S. Do you know how many spot puns I refrained from making in this post? A lot. A whole lot. I just want credit for that.

Christmas Lola

To all my friends and family, my regular blog readers and the lucky few who stumble here after googling ‘Matt Damon Game of Thrones’ – Happy Holidays, and best wishes for a happy, healthy 2012!

So, if the year ahead will indeed bring utter destruction, I have a simple request – could you just hold off until June, Apocalypse? You see, although Brits will get to see the second season of my beloved ‘Sherlock’ in January, we Yankees have to wait until May (why so long, BBC?!? You could put it in the Mayflower and it would get here sooner than that. George Washington could have rowed it across the Atlantic Ocean sooner than that. Paul Revere could have ridden a tortoise to deliver it and it would have gotten here sooner than that.) Judging by this teaser:

And this trailer (thanks, Isaac!!):

Next season will be potentially even more awesome than the first, if such a thing is possible (And there’s Cumberbutt!).

So please, Apocalypse, withhold your fiery brimstone for just a few months.

Ooh, but actually, now that I’m looking at my calendar, I would really hate to miss ‘The Hobbit’ movie, too, which is scheduled for release in December 2012, and also looks pretty great (Martin Freeman, with his perfect Martin Freeman timing! Ian McKellen! Gollum! Richard Armitage as a strangely attractive Thorin Oakenshield!). So you know what, Apocalypse, 2012′s looking like a bad year for you. Ooh, and then the stage musical version of ‘Strictly Ballroom’ is happening in Sydney in 2013, so… sorry, Apocalypse. You’re just going to have to postpone yourself indefinitely; there is just too much awesomeness coming up.

P.S. While I wait for season 2 of ‘Sherlock’, I will just have to mentally plan my hypothetical future hit television show, ‘Dink and Batch’, in which Peter Dinklage and Benedict Cumberbatch play buddies who show up in different time periods and places, and quip at each other wittily.

P.P.S. “I always hear “punch me in the face” when you’re speaking, but it’s usually subtext.” is a line that I wish I had written so much it hurts. Oh ‘Sherlock’, you are so brilliant.

P.P.S. In searching for a featured image for this post, I just came across this image from season 2:

Lara Pulver as Irene Adler

SQUEEEE!!!! That means that the lady in the preview is Irene Adler, only one of the most badass of ladies in the mystery literature canon, if you ask me, and one of two people who ever bested Sherlock Holmes (the other being Moriarty). Huzzah! I am very excited. I am also very excited because this picture also shows that season 2 will maintain ‘Sherlock’s gleaming crown as the best-wallpapered show on television, possibly ever. I mean, really, they should just do a tie-in line, right now (and if they do, I will happily promote it in exchange for a few rolls of 221B Baker Street’s living room paper. Sans bullet holes, please.)

It’s officially about to be my last week of classes, and I have quite a number of things to do. So of course, I have diligently spent my time doing pretty much anything that isn’t that.

Ah, yes, procrastination. My old friend. Did you know that the word ‘procrastination’ comes from the latin, ‘pro’ meaning forward, and ‘cras’ meaning tomorrow? Well it does, and the fact that they felt the need to coin such a word means that I guess we know why Rome wasn’t built in a day. (did you like that line? I thought of it this morning, while I was supposed to be working.)

Anyhoo, I imagine that my weekend will be full of my most favorite form of procrastination, procrastivity. You see, normal procrastination events are too obvious – try to write a paper and end up watching ‘The Real Housewives’ instead, and you’ll know exactly what you’re doing, and feel dirty and wrong. But take a break from that paper to, say, bake some bread, or maybe go through your closet like you’ve been meaning to do, and then you’re aces; you have successfully done something productive AND avoided doing what you really didn’t want to do. Procrastivity, baby!

Today was a good day for Procrastivity (I had rehearsal and class, both of which are totally legitimate reasons not to be writing your paper). In my extremely necessary exploration of all the possible gems contained in the internet (important! Could be research later! Maybe a blog post (blogging is the most procrastivitory event ever)!) I discovered this. Made by actor Erik Weiner to celebrate his bit part on the Sopranos, it is charming and hilarious. And I guess I’d better spend a good portion of the night checking out his other videos, just because, you know, he MIGHT say something about the political power dynamics in ‘M. Butterfly’, or the history of audience relations in the end of the 19th century. You never know. I best get to work and do some watching.

Hippie Apostles
Hang out with dippy Jesus.
Do we have to too?

Forest lost in trees.
So it is with the talent
Lost among business.

Many jump the shark.
But only this show jumps both
Shark and trampoline.

Living a true life
Apparently means dressing
Like a thrift store clown.

Hyperactive zen:
A pot classic now respun
For a cocaine time.

Three Broadway Jesi*
Rock, Hippie, and with Planet.
Advantage: Mormon.

*note: I am assuming the plural of ‘Jesus’ is ‘Jesi’. Latin, bitches. (Also, it fits better.) Also, this Haiku specifically refers to the fact that next season, with Godspell, Jesus Christ Superstar, and Book of Mormon on Broadway, there will be three shows featuring Jesus on the Great White Way. I can only hope that someone takes advantage of this at Gypsy of the Year and does a Jesus trio – may I suggest ‘Triplets’ for the number?

I will see this movie. I will temporarily suspend disbelief and just go with the idea that Kristen Stewart could be more beautiful than Charlize Theron. I will buy accessories from the accessories tie-in I hope someone is doing right this moment (I might even buy the spikey crown, just to wear around the house sometimes when I’m feeling dramatic and moody). I will remind myself that, as I previously discussed in this blog, I cannot be with dreamy Chris Hemsworth, for the good of the species, although seeing him throw axes in armor will cause me to think maybe tiny-eyed mole-children might not be such a terrible thing. I will see this movie.