Some Lingering Thoughts on the Tonys

17 Jun

I know, I know, it’s Friday, and the Tonys were way back on Sunday – it feels like I’ve been sitting on this post for as long as Spider-man was in previews (zing!). But hey, what can I say, I’m a busy lady. And by that I mean I’m a sadly un-busy lady, who sometimes temps in offices where they deny her any internet except search engines (which is odd, considering anything you might find while surfing would then be blocked, so it’s basically like saying ‘you, you want to know what everyday household products might be poisonous? Why look at all these magically sites that will tell you that THAT YOU CANNOT READ!! MWAH HA HA!!).

That being said, here are some of my lingering thoughts on the Tony Awards, addressed to their appropriate recipients.

Dear Whoopi Goldberg,

  

When I first saw your outfit, I assumed that you were doing what you did that year you hosted the Oscars and wore costumes from each of the different nominated movies. But then I remembered that there weren’t any shows about Hogwarts professors from 1920s this year, so…what’s up? But more specifically, what’s up with the hat? because the dress alone, with some modern shoes, wouldn’t have been so bad. But then you had to go and put a little novelty racetrack on your head. Sigh.

Dear Neil Patrick Harris and Hugh Jackman,

Clearly there is a Musical Theater God, and he loves us, for he has given unto us the two of you. My heart is so full of you. Carry on.

Dear Spider-man,

I know you’ve had some issues, and I admire the work you’ve done. However, was the way to wow the world with your new improved, 75 million dollar self to show a droopy number with two people on the set from my high school’s production of West Side Story? Also, just a note about this song, called ‘If the World Should End’ – in the original form of the show, this song was sung when it seemed like the world might actually be ending, as it was under siege by imaginary hologram villains created by the mind of a mythological spider villainous who… you know what, let’s not get into it. In any case, it was a nice, rather haunting song that fit the context. Now, you have Mary Jane sing it when things are sort of okay – they have some nice Chinese food, the city’s pretty calm with the exception of some cartoonish Dick Tracy gangsters with dollar signs on their nefarious moneybags. So in it’s new context, it feels as though Mary Jane is like “hey, how does it take you so little time to get down here? Ha ha, whatever. These egg rolls are delicious, right? Hey, did I ever sing you a song about how we’re all going to die, and soon? No? Well here goes…” I mean, seriously, Peter Parker, call a hotline, do not leave that girl alone, she is not in a good headspace.

Dear Mark Rylance,

Um… what?

Dear Frances McDormand,

   Yeah, I know, it’s tough sometimes. You have laundry to do, you never quite make it to the gym, you were just going to nap, and then the entire theater industry wants to give you this award on television saying that of all the many fine women giving many fine performances in plays this year, your performance is the best. I mean, Jesus, don’t they know you’re busy? You were going to vacuum and pay some bills, and those dishes aren’t going to clean themselves.
Psst, hey, Frances McDormand – you know why people dress up for awards shows? No, I’m serious, do you? It’s because it’s a chance to say that this is a special occasion, and you want to honor the occasion by signifying through your appearance that you feel it is special. Putting on a nice dress, maybe some jewelry, hey, even just combing your hair is a way to say to the organization that has nominated you for a prestigious award, to your fellow performers who are also nominated, to the many fans watching, and to all those people who care about this, that you respect them, and as a sign of respect you will dress differently than you dress the other 364 days of the year?
You see where I’m going with this? I know, you’re a smart woman, you must. Basically, I don’t care if you like comfort or don’t like dressing up – for the Tony Awards, get over it for a night. Comb your hair. Maybe put on some blush. TAKE OFF THE FUCKING JEAN JACKET, and, oh my god, what are those, BIRKENSTOCKS?!?! Because looking like the sleep-deprived hobo you walked onstage looking like on Sunday is disrespectful, plain and simple. And also, ahem, apparently you don’t have a problem frocking up for the Oscars? Hm? Do you WANT us to be insulted?

Dear Lin-Manuel Miranda and Tommy Kail -

You know what I would say if someone asked me to write a rap for the closing number of the Tonys AS THE TONYS HAPPENED? Well first of all, I would say no, because every single one of my raps would be “[insert name here] just won a Tony! Wow, that’s even cooler than a pony!!” or “[insert name here] just won a Tony! stick a feather in his hat and call it macaroni!” (and sadly, that’s not an exaggeration – that is really what it would be, over and over again.) And if someone asked me to film myself while I was writing those raps, I would say no, because the video would probably just alternate between me curled in the fetal position, gently weeping, and me vomiting profusely, and nobody wants to see that. But I am not you guys, because here’s what you guys did – joked around about the West Wing and hung out with the winners, all while writing the funniest, freshest (literally, fresh, as in hot off the press) rap to end the Tonys that you could have hoped for:

Basically, you guys are the awesomest. And to quote (well, sort of) another fine work by the team responsible for ‘The Book of Mormon’, watching you guys work made me just think, “Theater people. FUCK YEAH.”

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